Blood on the Tracks

‘Coming down..coming down.. coming down..

Spinning round..spinning round.. spinning round..

Looking for myself..sober..’

Darkness accompanies still with its own abdicating bitterness. An enigmatic lullaby seems to threaten that apprehensive shadow, seems to besiege me with its yearning. Happiness seems to have blacklisted me forever, bag packed n left for an everlasting holiday..!Even if u take d back seat in the game of accentuating your presence in this satirical funny lil advent called life, solitude will beat u down with its compelling voidness, it wont let you breathe, emptiness feels like thousand blades slaughtering u all over, solitude rips your flesh apart..It asks for d last whiff of life alive in u….

Walking down the lane, in d cold streets thinking bout where i may have gone wrong..why mahn why have i lost my bloody heart strings..?

I could feel its serene scorn behind as i passed d dim lanes of d winter night, nostalgic memories playing round in my blood stream blinding me with its bleakness. In some terrible stupid reflex, rather rashness i would suddenly try to break free, try to set fire to everything that still was mine, or attempt to hide away from all eye-sights in hampering awkwardness. It feels like i have no existence, i’m invisible, disappearing into d fine mist, with d progress of days becoming more unheard n unseen than ever..Perhaps i do need to seek for some stupid mental help, someone who’ll exasperate me saying i’m not doing good in terms of a normal functioning human being, but that i will be soon, as soon as the pills start hitting..!

I know i’m in touch with reality, my life is a dusky well highlighted with cimmerian darkness, and i’m falling deep down into dis devouring well, i’m falling forever..Love blows past you gently keeping up with the rhapsody of the windy night, whispers profound odes of narcissism, killing me softly with its malice..

You stay awake for hours wanting to see no one, to keep absolutely alone, to turn off all the lights in your room, n to take shelter under the covers, all blinds drawn.. occasionally maybe u break down in exhilaration, the maddening confinement making yu laugh to craziness, till u break down crying like u did as a child...

I would store up all sorrow n remorse for d weekends, it would jostle up inside, i’d take refuge in a smoke maybe n i’d feel like i’m fading away too with the smokiness capturing me from all sides..I’d shut down my world or try to do so, i’d crawl up to d stairs n hide in its gloominess, sometimes pop in some sleeping pills dry trying to sleep off till i felt better..its swallowing me up with its hunger n voracity in and out, circumscribing my life with its dim n dusky eclipsic flickers, a damnable perplexity..I found companionship in my black  revlon kohl, i would put more n more the more depression gripped me with its harshness n the more i got abashed of myself n of my presence, of being forsaken n outcast’d.. I started doing my stone black eyes dark and more darker like those of lifeless n cold all the way. I was determined to hide all imperfections, to hide all those exhausting mental maladies n pain that thoz eyes easily showed when undone, almost to deny those benumbed, sardonic tears of nostalgia and of suppressed guilt that was otherwise cynical..!!

Perhaps my firm belief in fairy tales that I've grown up with had something to do with this muddle i was trapped in..I've always fallen for the wrong people,  they were doz who’d not wear black all the time nor would they reveal their flaws or would they have black hats on their bloody heads that could indicate me of their devilish potency, but well. .they r indeed the ones who’d have shiny, glamorous hair and an enchanting voice n sharp eyes who cud manipulate you and lead you away to swerving pathways….

Cold fell my solitary tears piercing through within, undying, washing away my face, eye-sight reduced to vagueness, hallucinations blurring up before my bizarre eyes, and in the scorching, twitching rays of d first sun i cud see the devil come riding to my door, the sound of his horse whips sounded like a pack of hound dogs lurking at me, and i stood electrified in shock and awe amidst the wide vast meadow in the April sun..! Along with his arrival, darkness seemed to follow his shadow, i had to run away from this pain of salvation, i couldn't afford to give in to savageness and hostility again..!I wanted to die, dying seemed a better alternative to giving in to his devilish aversions..

I know i’ll die, my eyes will entwine and close like the last kindle of the dusk, it will hinder me from this present pain and slowly i’ll perish away from all minds and my presence will be lost in the wind, and the stars in d night sky accompanied by an enigmatic melancholic aura and an intoxicating smile of nocturnal mystery shall remind no soul of me any more.. In the hide-n-seek of life, i’d sneak away from all souls and can never be found again..!I’d hideaway in the mist, amidst anarchy and perplexity, my love too dying a natural n replenish death.. because......

You’d give your life

You’d sell your soul

But here it comes again

Too much love it’ll make your life a lie..

And it’l kill you in the end..